Many people equate work to feelings of frustration, worry, unhappiness, anger or even fear. Work just doesn’t have to be this way! We can talk about these issues “until the cows come home” or we can do something about them. As a leader or individual contributor, you can make a significant impact in your workplace culture and also key relationships by making one small change after another—positively altering attitudes, behaviors and performance. And because every person influences someone every day—whether that influence is positive or negative—helping your employees to ditch the downers they may encounter at work or at home, will certainly help them navigate tough interactions and also aid them in better controlling their own thoughts and actions. 

Everyone knows someone who can literally “suck the life out of a room.” You say it’s a beautiful day, she tells you why it’s not. You tell him about your new idea, he tells you why it won’t work. You proudly share a recent work success, and she replies with, “Yeah, but what about…?” I refer to these toxins as “Debbie Downers,” “Cynical Sams,” “Pessimistic Pauls,” “Negative Nancys,” or “Gloomy Glens.” They see every glass of milk as half empty. They play devil’s advocate to every positive scenario. They spew venom to anyone and everyone who will listen.

I often wonder if poisonous attackers realize they’re being incredibly negative, or if it is so commonplace that it is an unconscious action? Regardless, avoid these snakes before they slither their way deep into your psyche and you start mirroring similar behaviors. She complains, you listen. He seizes his prey with a bite, you exhale. She tightens the coil, and you can no longer inhale. The demise is constricting, swift and lethal.

The truth is, who you hang with, you become. Do you surround yourself with an inspiring support network, who lifts you when you’re down, pushes you to grow, and offers candor when needed? Or are you encased with those who consistently pull you down, vomit can nots, why nots and should nots, and/or ooze denial, criticism and blame? Success breeds success. Whining fosters more whining. The choice is yours.  Cutting ties with “Nathan Naysayer” is much easier said than done. Even when bosses need to sever ties, employees often hope they take the necessary action, so the morale of the team doesn’t take a hit. Yet, according to a recent survey featured on Fortune.com, fewer than half of managers said they would fire someone for damaging team morale. Interestingly, 88 percent of employees would. Team members understand the direct impact of these destructive types. They personally experience their high-performing, fun and collaborative team morph into something unrecognizable—a team they don’t want to be a part of any longer. Sadly, it’s often too late when management finally realizes the extent of the damage.

Because employees often struggle with how to handle “the Nathans”—whether at work or at home, consider recommending or trying several of these ideas:

• Change your routine. Instead of sitting through lunch with someone who whines and complains about her troubles, critiques mutual friends, and sits and pouts, choose to do something different with that time. Go for a walk, eat with someone else, or spend time reading. The exchange may influence a behavior change from her, too, or at the very least, you will more easily be able to enjoy lunchtime without facing unwanted negativity.

• Keep interactions short. If you have to engage with a toxic individual, keep the interactions short and focused on the desired outcome. Instead of empathizing as she rambles on about her mountainous number of tasks or frustrating spouse, listen for a few minutes, and then explain that you really need to cut this conversation short due to another commitment—the commitment you made to yourself to limit interactions with this person.

• Control self-talk. Negative emotions tend to rise when we encounter pessimistic influences. If your emotions begin to elevate after talking with a toxic personality, be conscious of and control the self-talk in your mind. For example, a normally calm, mild-mannered person may resort to yelling outwardly or screaming inwardly because she simply can’t take hearing the negativity anymore. It may be tempting to say to yourself, “He makes me so angry!” But blaming others for your feelings gives them more power. When you take control of your reactions, you own your feelings. It’s been said that, “Human beings are reaction machines.” Instead of reacting in the moment, slow down your negative thoughts and stay true to your values, even though the circumstances are trying.

• Maintain perspective. There are reasons people behave the way they do. Sometimes the reasons are clear, while other times they are murky. Perhaps the bothersome naysayer you want to avoid is facing self-esteem issues, ongoing job performance errors, money problems, health concerns, or something completely different. We each behave in our own way when we have concerns that are weighing heavily on us. Understanding that there may be a deeper cause for the pessimistic persona wouldn’t cause me to excuse it, but I could more easily maintain a greater sense of perspective with it.

• Ask pertinent questions. When someone has you cornered and is spewing cynical statements, try asking him/her, “How can I help you?” or “What are you going to do?” This strategy helps shift the topic from the negative problem to a possible solution.

• Optimistically oppose. If you’re stuck in a situation where everything that is flowing out of “Gloomy Glen” is anti-positive, tentatively articulate kind, opposing statements. For example, if he says his food sucks, combat that with, “My food is pretty good. Perhaps, you could try some of mine, if you’d like?” Or if he says Paul (fellow employee) is such a pain to work with, optimistically oppose by saying, “I used to think of him the same way. Then I decided to focus on the positive difference he has made to our store, and that helps me view him differently.” If this tactic doesn’t influence a more positive tone right away, hopefully you have given this individual a little more to think about. At the very least, “Gloomy Glens” tend to move on to others when what they are getting from you isn’t satisfying their mantra.

Almost all of us have dealt—or are still dealing—with an annoyingly negative employee or an unbearable pessimistic friend. When facing someone who views the world through a negative lens, realize you can’t change him/her—as the only person you can change is yourself. Instead, understand that negativity comes in many forms, and we need to protect ourselves against it. Why? Because negative thoughts stick to us like Velcro and positive thoughts slide off us like Teflon. And chances are, you are taking that venomous snake home with you when you leave work. Instead, avoid being the innocent prey by taking control of who you spend your time and energy with. This way, you’ll be hanging with those you admire, enjoy interacting with, and often seek to emulate or learn from.

Dysfunctional and horrible work and home environments do exist. Manure happens! Instead of complaining or choosing to do nothing, “take the bull by the horns” and steer the positive change you want to see. 

When you are approached by new acquaintances, individuals you haven’t seen for some time, or when meeting business colleagues you want to impress, how do you respond to common questions related to what you do for a living? Instead of choking or reacting poorly, perfect your “elevator pitch” by preparing and then delivering it in a clear, concise and confident manner.

The truth is, how we communicate and articulate our thoughts significantly influences the perceptions others have of you, your organization, and the services offered. Never again be caught off-guard! Learn and practice a flawless strategy to express yourself with poise and polish over endless and unclear pontification.

First and foremost, the hallmarks of spoken communication are represented by the “Three C’s”:

1. Clear: A well-defined message that your listener(s) understands
2. Concise: Key points that are stated succinctly and make sense for your listener(s)
3. Confident: Command attention, maintain poise and be more persuasive

Speaking with greater clarity, conciseness and confidence begins with structure. When you prepare a message, talk or presentation, you should do so with structure in mind. And one of the most powerful structures I help clients with is called, “The Rule of Threes.” Believe it or not, people don’t tend to remember more than three things—it’s a reliable, basic structure that works incredibly well. But why?

“The Rule of Threes” is persuasive—meaning your audience is more likely to trust your reasoning with a three-part argument. It’s rhythmical by creating momentum—moving your listeners from point A to point B to point C. Additionally, this method is memorable, as it is far easier to remember three points over other numbers like four, five or six. If you’re skeptical, consider a few three-part examples from your childhood:

• Three little pigs
• Three blind mice
• Three Musketeers

Here are some additional three-part structures that may sound familiar to you:

• Breakfast, lunch, dinner
• Knife, fork, spoon
• Appetizer, entrée, dessert
• Stop, drop, roll (fire)
• Before, during, after
• Red, yellow, green (stop light)
• Elementary, middle, high school
• Morning, afternoon, evening
• Last year, this year, next year

Granted, sometimes using three points doesn’t pass the common sense test, like when comparing profitability figures for the four quarters of last year. Regardless, this rule is a highly effective guideline for identifying and structuring key points of a message.

The next time you are planning to attend a networking function—like an educational conference or a business meeting with some unknown faces—prepare for and practice how you can best answer a common question you can anticipate being asked: “What do you do for a living?” For me, I would communicate my “elevator pitch” by saying, “I love what I do for a living by inspiring and helping others as a:

1. Keynote speaker
2. Training professional
3. Author

If the person is interested in learning more, s/he will likely ask a follow-up question such as, “As an author, what books have you written?” Because I will come prepared, I would then answer that question by sharing the titles of three of my most relevant books or group them by topic.

Speaking in front of others can certainly be stressful; however, it is a critical skill today. It literally shapes your audience’s perception of you, the organization you work for and the services offered. And each time you face the fear of speaking, you’ll gain strength, courage and confidence. But it takes practice. Just remember…practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good; it’s the thing you do that makes you good.

It’s that time again for making New Year’s resolutions. It’s a time-honored tradition all around the world. We hope for a better future—especially when the year we’re leaving behind has been a tough one. Unfortunately, researchers say about 60 percent of us make annual resolutions, but only about 8 percent are successful in achieving them.

Do you want to know a secret? I never make New Year’s resolutions. Never. Why? Because I think it is important to set goals when it makes sense to; not just because I’ve changed calendars. And rather than announcing, “I resolve to…” I prefer to attach the symbolic acronym of S.M.A.R.T. to every goal I set to help me more easily achieve it (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic/relevant, time-bound).

Instead of setting ambiguous resolutions for 2020, consider setting 1-3 SMART goals—like noted below. Then once you achieve them, set a couple more. The positive accomplishment and momentum will propel even greater success!

Resolution	Goal
Exercise.	Walk outside or on a treadmill for 15 minutes, 2x/week. After you’ve had success with this for a month or two, celebrate your accomplishment and then stretch your goal to 20 minutes, 3x/week.
Be more grateful.	Before bed every week night, write a list of five things about that day for which you’re grateful. Some days you’ll have exciting things to note, and other days you’ll be jotting down simple joys. When you are feeling blue, read through your entries and reflect.
Bring more inner peace to your life.	Don’t judge others. Worry less, especially about those things outside of your control. Smile and laugh more by watching comedy specials over negative nightly news at least 1x/week.
Read more.	Start every morning by reading an inspirational quote or a short passage from an uplifting book. This goal not only increases how often you read, but it creates a positive way to start each day.
Learn or try something new.	What have you always wanted to do? Play an instrument, scuba dive, rollerblade, connect with friends on Facebook? Commit to try or learning something new by 6/30/20. The possibilities are endless.

Every time my boys visit from Wisconsin, I work hard to think of one new experience that we’ve never tried before and that I think we will thoroughly enjoy. Last week when they spent time in Colorado for the Christmas holiday, we took up dog sledding! The tour was run as a relay, where we rotated between running the dogs, riding in the dogsled, and riding on a small passenger sleigh with the guide. It was an absolutely thrilling way to experience dog sledding and the Rocky Mountains!

Unforgettable fun as we mushed a team of Huskies in the Rockies, with Colorado’s two highest mountains only a couple of miles away!

Do employees at your organization feel isolated, ignored and invisible…or included? People take jobs for a paycheck; they keep jobs when they feel a sense of purpose, appreciation and inclusion.

Your organization’s leaders have likely recruited a diverse workforce that includes a range of ages, ethnicities, religions and differing viewpoints; however, diversity is only half of the D&I equation. Creating an inclusive culture requires another level of effort that may not be getting the attention and investment it needs. Alarmingly, only 12 percent of executives today believe their organizations are driving the right culture.

To create a culture in which everyone feels they belong and is comfortable expressing their uniqueness, adopt four key inclusive leadership behaviors:

1. Empowerment: Enable team members to grow and excel by encouraging them to solve problems, come up with new ideas and develop new skills. Rather than offering solutions when employees come to you with problems, ask them questions to try to have them come up with the solution themselves.

• Accountability: Show confidence in team members by holding them responsible for aspects of their performance that are within their control.

• Courage: Stand up for what you believe is right, even when it means taking a risk. As Brené Brown says, “You can have courage or you can have comfort; you can’t have both. They are mutually exclusive.”

• Humility: Admit mistakes, learn from criticism and different points of view, and overcome your limitations by seeking contributions from ALL team members. This gets people engaged and sends a signal that everyone’s contribution matters. When done well, this creates openings for everyone to weigh in and, hopefully, inspire lively discussions and decisive actions.

An inclusive culture has many layers and millions of moments that define it. And as a leader, if you want to make a real impact and display an ongoing commitment to employees and colleagues, choose to adopt these four leadership behaviors and then take incremental steps to make your workplace a more inclusive—and likely more successful—environment right now.

The holidays are a time for added stress; there is no arguing that point. But what if the issue is more severe? What if you are charred by burnout? If a colleague, friend or perhaps you are dealing with burnout, stop and ask, “Why?” Rarely is it because they/you didn’t exert enough grit or demonstrate a positive attitude; those aspects are important, but aren’t the major reasons for burnout. So, what is?

According to the Gallup Organization, the top five reasons for burnout are:

1. Unfair treatment at work
2. Unmanageable workload
3. Lack of role clarity
4. Lack of communication and support from their manager
5. Unreasonable time pressure

The list above clearly demonstrates that the root causes of burnout do not really lie with the individual; rather, in most cases, burnout is a leadership issue. Leaders could save themselves a huge amount of employee stress and subsequent burnout, if they were just better at asking people what they need and then doing something about it. Below are 10 low- or no-cost tips to reduce stress and avoid burnout:

• Monitor and adjust workloads. Stop burying your superstars! Continue to give them the work you need your best people to do, but transfer some of their other work to others.
• Demonstrate work-life balance rather than just talk about it. Help employees better fit work into their lives by increasing the flexibility of your time-off policies and consider increasing the time-off available. Maybe instead of an end-of-year bonus, consider a well-deserved hiatus.
• Provide a helping hand. Rather than piling extra work onto already stressed workers, consider hiring temps or part-timers to help out AND get your hands dirty, too. Nothing helps develop teamwork better than seeing leaders roll up their sleeves and dig in.
• Encourage everyone to completely unplug. Discourage check-ins by email or telephone during off hours and encourage everyone to use vacation time.
• Cut the red tape. Do decisions and projects really need to go through multiple layers of red tape? Review and streamline complicated, time-consuming procedures and approval processes to decrease frustration.
• Give frequent and consistent feedback. Lack of appreciation and recognition or lack of direction leads to frustration.
• Reconsider where work can take place. Increase the availability of work-at-home opportunities, especially if commutes are lengthy or inclement weather ensues. If you don’t trust your employees to work when they are supposed to, there are bigger issues—like trust—that need to be tackled first.
• Consider changes to the workplace environment. Review seating arrangements, noise levels, lighting and temperature to help reduce stress caused by an uncomfortable or unproductive environment. Not everyone likes Muzek pumped into their ears all day long, especially me.
• Show appreciation. The number one thing employees need from their boss is a four-letter word—and it’s not “cash.” Employees need their leaders to CARE. Small acts of appreciation go a long way, especially during super busy times.
• Reward hard work with a little time off. After a busy time has passed, consider offering comp time so employees can enjoy some free time they way they want to.

The tips just shared are savvy solutions based on what many stressed out employees want. But don’t assume these ideas are what your employees want or need. Don’t presume. Ask, then act.

Are you lucky? Fortunate? Blessed? Deserving? Entitled? Or did you simply work super hard for the life you have? How you choose to answer that question is your prerogative. I look around and I see a world filled with pain and suffering, hardship and loss, and disappointment and regret. However, I also see a very different world; one that is surrounded by nurturing and love, beauty and wonder, and happiness and hope. How we choose to look at things can make all the difference between becoming jaded and cynical, or optimistic and resilient.

The truth is, we see what we’re looking for. Are you looking for the positive things in your life or the negative? What you choose to focus on becomes your reality.

Next week when you are seated next to a loved one at the holiday dinner table or conversing with someone special either in-person or over the phone, I encourage you to take a moment to feel a deep sense of gratitude for all you have versus all you don’t. Remind yourself of all of the many blessings in your life, as small or big as they may be. Rather than focusing on what you wish you had, feeling grateful for all we have is both rewarding and empowering.

What are you thankful for? Choose to see and be grateful today and always.  

In our fast-paced and fad-rich world we live in today, I see many companies (and individuals, for that matter) try “this” one week and “that” the next week. They attempt to be overly accommodating and then drastically different, in hopes of finding or becoming the next big thing. Being innovative, agile and trying new ways of doing things is definitely important and a skill we should try to continue to get better at; however, adopting “the latest hype” or going down an untested path can cause a considerable cloud of confusion. A lack of clarity is no small issue and can foster an abundance of uncertainly and a whole lot of stress—which can lead to decreased happiness, productivity, value and revenue, among many other unwanted outcomes.

For example, a colleague of mine wants to find a new job and decided to look for an opportunity in a specific industry she has worked in before, just a different role. Good idea! But then the following week, she decided to shift her focus to a completely new path, resembling the opposite of her strengths and even working knowledge, in an effort to “do something exciting and new.” Three months passed and still no new job offers emerged. Bad luck or bad strategy? I’d say the latter.

Focusing on doing what you do best is not only a valid personal strategy, but it’s also a sound business one.

In fact, recently the biggest U.S. supermarket chain decided to scale back attempts to enhance sales with new products and renovated stores to be more competitive with Walmart and Target, which unfortunately led to 1000 job cuts last month. However, instead of continuing to do what they don’t do best, Kroger is reversing course on apparel, meal kits, etc. and getting back to what they know and excel at: selling groceries.

Hopefully this conscious shift works well for Kroger and the pendulum swings the other way. Some say the change took too long or wasn’t big enough; yet, others are very optimistic. Time will tell. I commend Kroger for deciding to now spearhead targeted innovative ideas but focus on doing what they do best. I hope this revised strategy brings them unprecedented success, as I know numerous people who are happily employed by that chain.

What do you do best? Whatever it is, you likely enjoy doing it, because we tend to love the things we rock at! Do what you do best and forget the rest.

Why do some meeting facilitators excel at leading and managing meetings while others fail to maintain control, keep emotions in line, and can’t seem to enrich the experience so attendees are engaged and want to contribute?

If you struggle with this skill or know someone who does, don’t sit back and wait for the next meeting you lead or attend to be one of the 49 percent of office meetings that are found to be a “waste of time” (source: USA Today). Moreover, according to an online schedule service named Doodle, their recently published 2019 State of Meetings Report found that pointless and/or poorly organized meetings will cost U.S. companies a whopping $399 billion in 2019! Both alarming and sad.

Let’s consider some of the consequences for employees who suffer through poorly organized or facilitated meetings. According to the same report, respondents most often cited:

• Poorly organized meetings mean I don’t have enough time to do the rest of my work (44%).
• Unclear actions lead to confusion (43%).
• Bad organization results in a loss of focus on projects (38%).
• Irrelevant attendees slow progress (31%).
• Inefficient processes weaken customer/supplier relationships (26%).

So before you reserve your next meeting space, take a few moments to consider why you need to gather this group together at this particular time, who should be invited and who needs to be present, what outcomes you expect as a result of the meeting, and what impact you hope to have. Additionally, apply these 12 methods, too, and watch your meetings become more productive, easier to manage, and more meaningful for all involved.

1. Communicate the agenda and the meeting purpose with the meeting invitation.
2. Leave devices at the door (or at least put them on silence).
3. Set meeting expectations, including the length of each agenda item and overall meeting length.
4. Avoid recapping for late-comers.
5. Explain how ideas will be captured.
6. Listen more, talk less, and welcome all ideas–not just those from “louder” attendees and/or extroverts.
7. Communicate the desired meeting outcome beforehand and at the start of the meeting to ensure attendees have clarity in the goal and come prepared to articulate their points.
8. One person speaks at a time without interruption.
9. Welcome respectful disagreement/conflict; don’t allow disrespectful comments/tones.
10. Set up the meeting room/environment and test all technology before the meeting starts.
11. Jokes need to be appropriate or stopped.
12. Identify who the note-taker will be and ensure s/he understands the facilitator’s expectations (capture all ideas and avoid using symbols for words).

Below is a comical illustration of the above points NOT being demonstrated well. Enjoy it and let yourself laugh a little. After all, according to Fortune.com, laughter is good for the bottom line—with 81 percent of the 100 Best Companies to Work For saying, “We work in a fun environment.”

I’m often asked this question: Can you motivate someone else? The short answer is…absolutely not! No matter how hard you want it, no one can motivate someone else to do what they don’t want to do. You may get someone to do a task by enticing him/her with a sweeter carrot or threatening that person with a sharper stick. But that is not representative of personal motivation.

With the above said, you can influence other people to do a particular task and amazingly, this strategy works both professionally and personally. If you can tap into the underlying desires people have, you will get amazing performance from them. And if you’re a leader, the trick is to find alignment between what your people want and what will help grow the organization. Here is a three-step process to positively influence motivation:

STEP ONE: Ask the individual what s/he wants.

The first step in finding what motivates others is to make time to listen to them and find out what they actually want out of their job. The key is to not make assumptions about what you think they want; rather, you need to actually ask them what they want. Maybe they desire:

A new big title.

More time off to spend with their family.

To make more money to buy a new truck or send a son/daughter to college.

STEP TWO: Show people how they can get what they want.

If someone wants to become a supervisor one day, offer ideas of things s/he can do to help make that happen.

STEP THREE: Allow others to get what they want while also benefitting the organization.

When my oldest son was 11, I remember him wanting to buy a motorized dirt bike for $400. I even told him I would pay for half of it. While he thought that was generous, he didn’t have any other money for the purchase. So I gave Taylor a list of extra chores he could do around the house—like cleaning out the garage and raking leaves so he could earn some money.

He became a dynamo of energy as he tackled chores he otherwise loathed doing. The difference was he was doing them to get what he wanted. Meanwhile, I also got work done in a way that freed me up to do other things, namely landscaping which I love to do. That’s what made the whole thing a true win-win. I found alignment between his personal goal and my desired outcomes.

So you may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? How does motivation directly affect the workplace?” Well, motivated employees tend to produce happier customers, positively affecting the bottom line. In fact, workplace cultures with the highest total motivation scores also have received the highest customer satisfaction ratings. To learn more, watch this short video clip. https://youtu.be/ri0E0mn8LRA

So even though the secret to motivating other people is that you can’t do it, you can dramatically influence others when it matters most.

According to Gallup, Inc., do you know the number one leadership behavior that affects morale and productivity the most? It’s not attitude. It’s not collaboration. It’s a lack of feedback. Providing candid feedback is an art, not a science. It takes some degree of finesse…but also common sense.

Candor is like a screwdriver—an incredibly useful tool that often involves a twist. When used in the right manner, it can help you construct and deconstruct any number of objects. But to get the benefits, you have to use it correctly. If you try to use a Phillips head screwdriver on one of those screws that looks like a star, it won’t fit.

Similarly, if you demonstrate 100 percent honesty without a common sense filter, the conversation or feedback you are offering is not going to be received very well. Instead of blatant or brazen honesty, slightly rotate your approach and apply candor as a form of sincere expression. In other words, do your best to say the right thing, to the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way.

In any given work week, there is at least one conversation you’d rather not have; one conversation that you know won’t go well due to your or the other person’s emotions coming unglued; or one conversation that can overshadow the whole day, week or workplace because of the impact it could have with ongoing relationships. Why not dodge these uncomfortable conversations altogether?  What would be the benefit of learning to deal with these situations candidly?

First and foremost, those who engage in open and sincere dialogue, free from reservation or holding back what needs to be said—report higher levels of job satisfaction, confidence and performance results. By communicating clearly and openly about what’s on your mind, you can be more effective and productive versus spending countless hours and energy on worrying about what may happen next.

In an upcoming breakout session at the SHRM National Convention on Monday, 6/24/19 in Las Vegas, I will be sharing the six steps to achieving breakthrough relationships by maximizing candor and minimizing defensiveness by engaging in “Candid Conversations that Drive Results.” Here are six transformational steps, which if followed, will help you to transform your relationships, too. Each step is simple, but not necessarily easy.

1. Clearly identify purpose before engaging. Ask yourself these three questions:
2. Why am I going to discuss this issue?
3. What do I hope to accomplish?
4. What would the ideal outcome be?
5. Consider timing and location.
   • Address the matter as soon as possible, but timing is critical.
   • Determine the location for the discussion; remember that privacy is important.
   • Discuss the issue face-to-face and one-on-one; avoid addressing it via email.
6. Start with a statement that invites dialogue.
   • Be sure to open with an opening statement that is cognizant of body language, sound of voice and the actual words you use.
7. Share facts, story, then emotions.
   • See the facts.
   • Alter your story (interpretation of the facts)
   • Experience a different emotion.                                  
   • Change your behavior.                               
   • Achieve a more positive outcome.
8. Encourage other person to share perspective by…
   • Ask for the other person’s input.
   • Listen versus waiting for a pause to talk.
   • Try to understand other person’s perspective, rather than focusing on driving your point.
9. Keep your emotions in control.
   • Prior to the conversation:
     1. PREPARE! Think through how it may go and how you’ve reacted in the past.
     2. Proactively access why someone would react this way and how you can best handle it.
     3. Consider your conflict triggers and guard against them.
   • During the conversation:
10. Let other person speak; do not interrupt.
11. Consciously lower your voice.
12. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings; demonstrate empathy.
13. Ask how s/he would like to see issue handled and/or offer options.
14. If your emotions are elevating, state you need some time to continue the conversation.
15. Express regret or apologize, if appropriate.

At the end of the day, candor is a tool. And just like any tool, it can be used to create or destroy. You need to be aware of its potential dangers to mitigate them. Candor carries some risk, but if you apply common sense when using it, you will likely build your relationships stronger than ever before.